He’s Just Not That Into You—Or Worse, He Is

A Few Things You Can Learn From Watching Love Island

Every summer, I tell myself I’m not going to get too invested in Love Island, and every summer, I end up yelling at women on my screen for ignoring the same red flags I have ignored in real life.

Which is crazy, because who am I to judge?

The truth is, most women, have dated men similar to the ones on Love Island. A man who wasn’t honest enough to reject you, confident enough to adore you, or healed enough to handle being chosen by you. We watch these girls crying by the fire pit and think, Stand up, as if we haven’t also sat across from a man who gave us absolutely nothing and tried to turn it into something more.

That’s what makes Love Island so addictive. It’s not just the bikinis, the bombshells, or the dramatic pauses before a recoupling. It’s watching our worst dating instincts play out in 4K and realizing that the villa is not that different from real life. The only difference is that in the villa, there are no phones, no distractions, and nowhere for anyone’s ego to hide. Which makes feelings grow faster and standards drop lower especially for the women of the island.

That’s why we shouldn’t judge them so harshly. Instead we should learn from them. Learn how to notice red flags sooner and trust our gut faster when it comes to men.

Here are a few things this season of Love Island USA can teach you about dating:

1. Once you’ve rejected him, stand on it.

There’s a strict rule my friends and I follow: don’t go out with men you rejected initially. Because for some reason, they’ll always resent you for it. Or worse, they will try to get their lick back.

Sometimes a man isn’t persistent because he likes you. He’s persistent because you once denied him, and winning you becomes a revenge fantasy.

KC Chandler’s entire Love Island experience revolved around his initial rejection from the girls. He was coupled up by default to Aniya Harvey, and stayed with her until the infamous Casa Amor, where he re-coupled with Titi Davis. Aniya broke down at the fire pit as she watched KC walk in with his new connection. KC then recited a speech about how he wasn’t chosen in the villa and that with Titi he felt seen. Now, I can see why KC found another connection. He and Aniya weren’t compatible. Fair. But it was not just his disrespectful words and actions toward Aniya while he was away that earned KC so much hate; it was what his behavior revealed about his intentions. His ego was bruised from the start, and he wanted Aniya to feel what he felt on the first day: rejected. Not because Aniya did anything to him, but because he never got over being nobody’s first choice.

That’s the thing about some men. They don’t always process rejection as information. They process it as disrespect. So when you finally fall for them, they don’t think, Wow, she sees something in me. They think, Now I have the power.

When I was living in Los Angeles, I went out on a date with this art dealer from Miami named Gavin. I wasn’t physically attracted to him, and he was also one of those guys who liked to name-drop every other sentence. So afterward, I told him that I didn’t feel a romantic connection and that we should just be friends.

He agreed and said he still wanted to keep in touch.

Over the next three months, he sent me a bouquet of flowers every two weeks. He would FaceTime me every once in a while to, in his words, “check in on my favorite friend.” It was sweet, and I thought maybe I had been wrong about him.

His birthday is on Christmas, and since I didn’t have plans that year, he invited me out to Miami to celebrate with him.

When I arrived, Gavin rolled out the red carpet for me. There was a driver waiting at the airport. A few dresses he bought were laid out on the bed when I got to his place—options for what I could wear that night to his birthday party. I chose a neon yellow mini dress with a sexy purple stiletto. Very Miami.

At the party, I started to warm up to Gavin. He introduced me to all his friends, who adored him. He checked on me all night, even when people were pulling him in every direction to take a shot or a photo.

Now, as I said, I wasn’t attracted to Gavin at first, but when we got back to his apartment, I was all over him.

The next morning, we hooked up again, and it pains me to admit it, but I was falling for him.

Anyway, after that trip, he remained the sweet, consistent Gavin until two months later, when he was back in LA for Frieze art week. He stayed with me, and I was so excited because I had never had a guy stay with me before. At first, things were cool, flirty and fun. Then that weekend we ended up at the same house party in the hills.

When I saw him, obviously I went in for a hug.

But he side-hugged me.

Like he was making it clear we were just friends.

Weird.

Then I noticed a tall brunette woman standing not too far behind him, smiling awkwardly. I introduced myself to her, and she told me her name was Joey.

That’s when it clicked for me.

The night before, he had been texting with a “Joe” and told me it was a buyer he had been trying to lock down for a couple of weeks.

Now, two things can be true. She could have been buying some work. But at that moment, I realized he was giving her more than a painting.

I was mad at myself for not trusting my initial read on him. That he was arrogant and opportunistic. And it felt worse knowing that I let a five, a FIVE, play me.

At least KC is cute.

Damn.

2. Know when he’s just not that into you and move on.

For women who have a hard time determining if a man is into them, well, if you’re questioning it, most likely, he’s not.

Watch the way Gal Tshnieder treated Jen Terry when he wasn’t really into her. He was passive-aggressive. Instead of just saying, “I’m not feeling this,” he gaslit her into thinking she was being insecure. But he also kissed Jen behind a pillow, so if she couldn’t grasp his feelings towards her after that, I have to say she ignored the signs.

Men can be very obvious when they like someone, and even more obvious when they don’t. The problem is that some women interpret disinterest as mystery.

And it’s not.

They just don’t want to come off as assholes, which, ironically, is exactly how they end up coming off.

There’s an entire movie about knowing when he’s just not that into you, but maybe it needs to be modernized for today:

He’s not that into you if he says he’s not into PDA or physical touch. If you ask a man his love language, the majority of them will say physical touch. So if he suddenly becomes a virgin around you, that’s your number one indicator.

He’s not that into you if he doesn’t compliment you. And not just your physical appearance. Your humor, your outfit, your ambition, your taste, whatever. If a potential match isn’t complimenting you, then take it as one of two things: either he thinks you hear it enough, which is a red flag, or you’re not his type.

And that’s okay. You’re not everyone’s cup of tea, so don’t try to be.

He’s not that into you if he speaks about future plans but never includes you. For example, you meet a guy from Chicago, and you say, “I’ve always wanted to visit Chicago.” He says, “You should, it’s a beautiful city,” instead of, “Really? I’d love to show you around sometime.”

One is rejection.

The other is an invitation.

He’s not that into you if he doesn’t remember the things you tell him. If you find yourself constantly reminding a guy about details about you, then chances are he doesn’t want to remember them because he plans to erase you from his memory pretty soon.

Be aware of these things so you can avoid wasting your time and energy on men who are not interested in you.

3. Beware of the man who tries to humble you.

Men who are into you but need to take you down a notch to feel comfortable are the ones you must be extra careful not to fall for.

This is Kayda Bosse and Zach Georgiou’s whole dynamic on Love Island USA. Zach thinks Kayda is attractive—and he is too—but he’s insecure. So he plants seeds of doubt in her mind to mess with her self-esteem.

I have a friend, Linda, who’s been married to her Irish husband, Jack, for almost six years. They married fast, and although Jack’s a nice guy, in terms of his looks and finances, I always felt like Linda was marrying down. I mean, Linda has her flaws, but she’s a ten on her worst day, ya know?

So one afternoon, at a Mexican restaurant in Astoria, Linda tells me she and Jack separated for a year.

“I just felt like he didn’t like me anymore,” she said.

They both dated other people during the separation.

“When I saw the messages he was sending this girl, I literally broke down,” she told me. “The things I’d been asking him to do for me, he did for her so easily. So quickly.”

“So let me get this straight,” I said. “You pay half the rent, and he can’t even afford to compliment you or take you on dates?”

She reluctantly nodded, like she already knew what I was thinking.

Divorce.

You’d think Jack had just lost interest. He hadn’t. In the beginning, Jack complimented her, took her out. Then Linda got a job bartending at one of the most popular bars in the East Village, bringing home twice as much as he did in tips—probably not because she makes a good Old Fashioned—and it made him insecure. So naturally, he had to humble her a bit. He would pick on her insecurities by saying things like “Are you sure you want to wear that? You always complain about your stomach.” He knows her stomach is fine, but he has to give her something to stress about before she walks out the door.

I started to wonder if there was any sign that Jack was an insecure man from the start.

Then she told me about a conversation she and Jack had early in the relationship. They were on a date, rating their celebrity crushes and whatnot, when Linda asked him, “On a scale of one to ten, what would you rate me?”

Now, any logical man would know two things.

One: it’s a test.

Two: it’s a very easy one.

You say any number greater than ten.

Duh.

But no. He said a nine.

His explanation?

“I couldn’t say a ten, because that would be perfect, and no one is perfect.”

That was a huge red flag, and she ignored it.

You can’t wife an insecure man.

Now, Zach’s method of humbling Kayda is subtle but nasty—he ruins intimate moments by introducing doubt. After a romantic night in the Hideaway, he asks her a hypothetical about his own disloyalty: “What if I explored a bombshell?” Then, when he returns from Casa Amor and they reunite, there’s a moment where Kayda is trying to forgive him for making out with the girl dressed as an angel during the heart rate challenge. And instead of letting it be sweet, he asks: “What if I brought another girl back?”

Like, what is wrong with this guy?

It’s just another way of fucking with a girl’s head and self-esteem. Just like Jack did to Linda.

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If Love Island USA teaches us anything, it’s to trust your gut.

A man will show you exactly who he is and what his intentions are. You just have to be honest enough with yourself to pay attention.

So the next time something feels off, believe it. Believe it before he makes you feel crazy for asking for the bare minimum. Believe it before you start shrinking yourself to make an insecure man comfortable. Believe it before you find yourself waiting for some grand reveal to confirm what you already knew.

Because a man who likes you should not make you feel like a detective, a beggar, or a contestant waiting to be chosen.

You are not in the villa.

You can leave.